I Had Faith and Fear At the Same Time

By Raul Rivera

I stayed up for most of the night.  That night, as with the previous 5 nights, I struggled with one question.  The answer was becoming more and more clear and I was not sure it was easing my pain.  It was going to force me to alter the course of my life forever and take the chance of looking like a fool.  Yet the pain of never knowing would haunt me for the rest of my life if I did not do what I thought I was supposed to do.

Have you ever struggled internally with something while the rest of the world seemed perfectly happy and unaware of your plight?  From the day that I surrendered myself to the Lord, I knew that I had a call to ministry.  Though I was never really sure how that call would play out, I knew that He was calling me to do something that would impact many lives for eternity.  At the time of my struggle, I was certain that I was alone and that my struggle was unique only to me.

The romance of the call

After hearing God's call to ministry, I lived through the lens of romantic futurism.  I was anticipating the day when by divine intervention I would experience a "suddenly of God" that would instantly align my whole life with God's greater purposes and set me on a new and wonderful journey.  My immature thoughts of the ministry God had for me were romantic in nature and absent of struggle.

Let's think about your ministry.  Think of it the way you would like it to be.  Hundreds of people . . .maybe thousands, waiting in eager anticipation to hear God's heart as spoken through you His servant.  Maybe it is different.  Does it have a movie-like quality to it?  It is easy to focus on the romance of ministry without the fight that is required to keep the fire burning.  

The day to decide had come

I knew that He had set me apart for ministry... and seven years later, the day to decide had come.  I was not ready.  Not only did I not feel ready, I was not sure I wanted what ministry entailed.  

The question I had to answer

I had now gone many sleepless, tear-filled nights contemplating the question.  

BUT A QUESTION AROSE THAT I COULD NOT SHAKE: What if I don't do it? WHAT IF I SAY NO TO THIS TUG ON MY HEART? WHAT IF I JUST GO THE OTHER WAY?

In my younger years, I WAS SO SURE OF GOD'S CALL, that I often IMAGINED standing before audiences and groups of people, imparting God's message of hope to the lost. I often times had powerful dreams of calling down God's power and seeing many lives converted.

BUT HERE, SPENDING ANOTHER SLEEPLESS NIGHT, I WRESTLED WITH THAT CALL.  WHAT USED TO SEEM LIKE AN ADVENTURE, NOW SEEMED LIKE A RISK.  I BATTLED A SHOWER OF DOUBTS AND FEARS THAT I HAD NEVER KNOWN. IN THOSE MOMENTS, IF I WERE HONEST, I was not sure if God would really take care of me. The romance of the call was gone.  It ceased to reside as a romantic future event.  It was here, now, waiting for me to answer.  My response to God was once again the question, "What if I don't do it?"  

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THERE?

I was afraid of the unknown.  I knew I would have to walk parts of this path alone.  I sensed that it was not going to be an easy walk, for the moment that I decided to say yes to ministry, my life, as I knew it would no longer be my own.

The answer came in the morning

After another long and dreadful night, the answer came.  Drifting between intervals of restless sleep and dizzy awareness, I became keenly alert OF THE PRICE OF REFUSAL.  I KNEW the Lord would still bless me and take care of my family and me.  I KNEW He would still be my provider and grant me a life worth living.  

But, the mystery of "what if" would haunt me for the rest of my life.  The regret of "what if I would have said yes?" would be taken to my grave.  I would never get to see His miraculous hand provide, and the number of other possibilities that would shape my and my family's life would be forfeited.  

That morning, I concluded that the pain of regret would be greater than the pain of saying yes!  I could not imagine reaching 70 or 80 years of age and still having to live with the regret of wondering how my life would have been had I not chosen to take the safe route that I had forged.  I knew at that precise moment that the time to start a church was now at hand, and with that knowledge came a new question for my mind to entertain: 

What if I Do it?

Word of encouragement to you

If you are in that same season of wrestling, I want to encourage you that there is no better time than now to start.  For every church that exists in America, there are approximately 1,150 people that do not attend a church.  The harvest is crying out to be gathered and there is no better person than you to do it.  All you have to do is say yes to the call.

I am aware that every person that has a call in their life will go through a struggle that is uniquely their own.   You may be in it right now.  You know HE wants you to START A CHURCH, but you are not sure if the time is now.  My encouragement to you is that the time will never seem right.  No matter how you try to perceive the timing it will never seem fully like the right time, because the decision to do it requires faith.

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